MYTHS
Narcissism and Love
You Are Capable of Real Love— Even if Stigma Says You’re Not
Few things are more painful than being told you’re incapable of love. This is one of the most damaging—and common—myths about narcissistic personality disorder (NPD): That people with narcissistic traits can’t feel love, don’t want love, or only fake love to manipulate others.
This myth doesn’t just hurt people in recovery. It distorts public understanding, fuels stigma, and pushes people away from healing.
This page breaks down the most common myths about narcissism and love—and replaces them with complexity, truth, and hope.
This myth doesn’t just hurt people in recovery. It distorts public understanding, fuels stigma, and pushes people away from healing.
This page breaks down the most common myths about narcissism and love—and replaces them with complexity, truth, and hope.
1
“People with NPD are incapable of love.”
❌ Myth #1: “People with NPD are incapable of love.”
Reality: Most people with narcissistic traits experience deep love—but often through a distorted or defended lens.
They may love in ways that are:
• Conditional or idealized (loving someone for who they could be, not who they are)
• Self-referential (loving others based on how they reflect the self)
• Intense but fragile (swinging between idealization and disappointment)
• Hidden behind control, fear, or emotional distance
Many people with narcissistic traits have learned to associate love with danger—and protect themselves with grandiosity, detachment, or domination.
The capacity for love is there. The ability to express it safely and consistently takes time, healing, and vulnerability.
Reality: Most people with narcissistic traits experience deep love—but often through a distorted or defended lens.
They may love in ways that are:
• Conditional or idealized (loving someone for who they could be, not who they are)
• Self-referential (loving others based on how they reflect the self)
• Intense but fragile (swinging between idealization and disappointment)
• Hidden behind control, fear, or emotional distance
Many people with narcissistic traits have learned to associate love with danger—and protect themselves with grandiosity, detachment, or domination.
The capacity for love is there. The ability to express it safely and consistently takes time, healing, and vulnerability.
2
“If they hurt me, they never really loved me.”
❌ Myth #2: “If they hurt me, they never really loved me.”
Reality: Love and harm can coexist in unhealthy relationships—especially when both people are wounded.
NPD doesn’t make someone immune to love. It does make it harder to:
• Regulate emotional reactions during conflict
• Tolerate vulnerability or rejection
• Offer consistent care when dysregulated
• Love others without needing control or admiration
These patterns can cause harm—but that doesn’t mean love was absent. It means the love was filtered through defenses built for survival.
Saying “they never loved me” might feel protective—but it denies complexity, and often causes both parties to stop growing.
Reality: Love and harm can coexist in unhealthy relationships—especially when both people are wounded.
NPD doesn’t make someone immune to love. It does make it harder to:
• Regulate emotional reactions during conflict
• Tolerate vulnerability or rejection
• Offer consistent care when dysregulated
• Love others without needing control or admiration
These patterns can cause harm—but that doesn’t mean love was absent. It means the love was filtered through defenses built for survival.
Saying “they never loved me” might feel protective—but it denies complexity, and often causes both parties to stop growing.
3
“Narcissists only love themselves.”
❌ Myth #3: “Narcissists only love themselves.”
Reality: Most people with narcissistic traits actually struggle with self-love. What looks like self-adoration is often a mask for self-doubt, shame, or inner emptiness.
Many report:
• Chronic feelings of unworthiness underneath grandiosity
• Seeking love compulsively but not knowing how to receive it
• Loving others deeply but pushing them away out of fear of exposure
In fact, people with NPD may overextend themselves to gain love and then withdraw when it feels too risky.
Many narcissistic defenses form not from too much self-love, but from never having been loved in a way that felt safe, secure, or real.
Reality: Most people with narcissistic traits actually struggle with self-love. What looks like self-adoration is often a mask for self-doubt, shame, or inner emptiness.
Many report:
• Chronic feelings of unworthiness underneath grandiosity
• Seeking love compulsively but not knowing how to receive it
• Loving others deeply but pushing them away out of fear of exposure
In fact, people with NPD may overextend themselves to gain love and then withdraw when it feels too risky.
Many narcissistic defenses form not from too much self-love, but from never having been loved in a way that felt safe, secure, or real.
4
They only pretended to love me to manipulate me.”
❌ Myth #4: “They only pretended to love me to manipulate me.”
Reality: Some behaviors from someone with narcissistic traits can feel manipulative—especially when they’re driven by fear of abandonment, need for control, or image management.
But this doesn’t mean the love was fake. It often means:
• The person didn’t have the emotional tools to show love in healthy ways
• They loved from a place of need, not wholeness
• Their inner chaos distorted how they gave or received affection
Many people with narcissistic traits genuinely want love—but feel confused, overwhelmed, or unsafe when they actually get it.
Reality: Some behaviors from someone with narcissistic traits can feel manipulative—especially when they’re driven by fear of abandonment, need for control, or image management.
But this doesn’t mean the love was fake. It often means:
• The person didn’t have the emotional tools to show love in healthy ways
• They loved from a place of need, not wholeness
• Their inner chaos distorted how they gave or received affection
Many people with narcissistic traits genuinely want love—but feel confused, overwhelmed, or unsafe when they actually get it.
5
“People with NPD can’t have healthy relationships.”
❌ Myth #5: “People with NPD can’t have healthy relationships.”
Reality: Recovery is possible—and so is love that’s real, reciprocal, and stable.
A person with narcissistic traits in recovery can learn to:
• Build emotional intimacy without controlling it
• Offer care without needing admiration in return
• Receive love without devaluing the giver
• Repair after rupture instead of cutting off
• Accept that love includes imperfection, uncertainty, and emotional risk
These aren’t easy changes—but they’re real. And they start by rejecting the myth that your diagnosis determines your destiny.
Reality: Recovery is possible—and so is love that’s real, reciprocal, and stable.
A person with narcissistic traits in recovery can learn to:
• Build emotional intimacy without controlling it
• Offer care without needing admiration in return
• Receive love without devaluing the giver
• Repair after rupture instead of cutting off
• Accept that love includes imperfection, uncertainty, and emotional risk
These aren’t easy changes—but they’re real. And they start by rejecting the myth that your diagnosis determines your destiny.
6
What Love Can Look Like in Recovery
For someone with narcissistic traits, love in recovery might look like:
• Saying “I don’t know how to do this, but I want to try”
• Being honest about needs without expecting others to fulfill them perfectly
• Allowing others to see your insecurity without retaliating or hiding
• Practicing empathy even when you feel shame or defensiveness
• Staying through discomfort instead of idealizing or discarding
Real love is messy. But it’s within reach—and you don’t have to be “perfect” to deserve it.
⸻
You Can Love. You Can Be Loved.
If you’ve believed the myth that people like you can’t love—or that no one could ever truly love you—you’re not alone.
But that belief isn’t a fact. It’s a defense. And it’s not yours to carry anymore.
You are allowed to:
• Love people deeply, even if you’re still figuring out how
• Heal without shame
• Be both flawed and capable of connection
• Be seen—and loved—for who you are, not just the version of you that others fear or misunderstand
• Saying “I don’t know how to do this, but I want to try”
• Being honest about needs without expecting others to fulfill them perfectly
• Allowing others to see your insecurity without retaliating or hiding
• Practicing empathy even when you feel shame or defensiveness
• Staying through discomfort instead of idealizing or discarding
Real love is messy. But it’s within reach—and you don’t have to be “perfect” to deserve it.
⸻
You Can Love. You Can Be Loved.
If you’ve believed the myth that people like you can’t love—or that no one could ever truly love you—you’re not alone.
But that belief isn’t a fact. It’s a defense. And it’s not yours to carry anymore.
You are allowed to:
• Love people deeply, even if you’re still figuring out how
• Heal without shame
• Be both flawed and capable of connection
• Be seen—and loved—for who you are, not just the version of you that others fear or misunderstand
