MYTHS
Narcissism and Empathy
Impaired empathy does not mean zero empathy.
One of the most damaging myths about narcissism is that people with narcissistic traits or NPD have no empathy. This idea has been repeated so often—by pop psychology, social media, and even some clinicians—that many people believe it’s a defining feature of the disorder. But the truth is much more complex.
1
“People with NPD have zero empathy.”
❌ Myth #1: “People with NPD have zero empathy.”
Reality: Most people with narcissistic traits do have empathy, but may struggle to access, sustain, or express it consistently—especially under stress, threat, or emotional overload.
NPD is associated with impaired empathy, not absent empathy. There are many forms of empathy:
• Cognitive empathy: understanding what someone else is feeling or thinking
• Affective empathy: emotionally resonating with another’s feelings
• Compassionate empathy: being moved to care or help
Many people with narcissistic traits retain cognitive empathy—they can read others extremely well. But they may suppress affective or compassionate empathy due to:
• Shame sensitivity
• Fear of engulfment or vulnerability
• Learned emotional detachment from early trauma
• Defensive self-focus or competition
The capacity for empathy isn’t gone—it’s often buried beneath survival strategies.
Reality: Most people with narcissistic traits do have empathy, but may struggle to access, sustain, or express it consistently—especially under stress, threat, or emotional overload.
NPD is associated with impaired empathy, not absent empathy. There are many forms of empathy:
• Cognitive empathy: understanding what someone else is feeling or thinking
• Affective empathy: emotionally resonating with another’s feelings
• Compassionate empathy: being moved to care or help
Many people with narcissistic traits retain cognitive empathy—they can read others extremely well. But they may suppress affective or compassionate empathy due to:
• Shame sensitivity
• Fear of engulfment or vulnerability
• Learned emotional detachment from early trauma
• Defensive self-focus or competition
The capacity for empathy isn’t gone—it’s often buried beneath survival strategies.
2
“If they show empathy sometimes, they must be faking it.”
❌ Myth #2: “If they show empathy sometimes, they must be faking it.”
Reality: Inconsistent empathy does not mean manipulation—it often means dysregulation.
People with narcissistic traits can:
• Feel deep empathy in certain contexts (e.g., for animals, children, strangers)
• Show strong care in controlled or structured ways (e.g., giving advice, solving problems, acts of service)
• Struggle with spontaneous, emotionally raw empathy when it threatens their sense of control or self-worth
In fact, many report feeling too much and shutting down emotionally as a defense. This can look like coldness or cruelty from the outside—but inside, it’s often overwhelm or panic.
Fluctuating empathy is not proof of a lie. It’s a window into trauma.
Reality: Inconsistent empathy does not mean manipulation—it often means dysregulation.
People with narcissistic traits can:
• Feel deep empathy in certain contexts (e.g., for animals, children, strangers)
• Show strong care in controlled or structured ways (e.g., giving advice, solving problems, acts of service)
• Struggle with spontaneous, emotionally raw empathy when it threatens their sense of control or self-worth
In fact, many report feeling too much and shutting down emotionally as a defense. This can look like coldness or cruelty from the outside—but inside, it’s often overwhelm or panic.
Fluctuating empathy is not proof of a lie. It’s a window into trauma.
3
“Narcissists only pretend to care to manipulate others.”
❌ Myth #3: “Narcissists only pretend to care to manipulate others.”
Reality: While some narcissistic behaviors can be manipulative, assuming all expressions of empathy are fake erases the real longing for connection that many people with NPD experience.
Many people with narcissistic traits:
• Want to be seen as good, kind, or wise
• Are deeply affected by the suffering of others—but only feel safe showing it in certain roles (e.g., helper, teacher, rescuer)
• Feel guilt or shame when they realize they’ve hurt someone
• Experience emotional empathy but struggle to act on it in the moment
Weaponizing the idea that “narcissists can’t love or care” invalidates not just the disorder—it invalidates the person trying to heal.
Reality: While some narcissistic behaviors can be manipulative, assuming all expressions of empathy are fake erases the real longing for connection that many people with NPD experience.
Many people with narcissistic traits:
• Want to be seen as good, kind, or wise
• Are deeply affected by the suffering of others—but only feel safe showing it in certain roles (e.g., helper, teacher, rescuer)
• Feel guilt or shame when they realize they’ve hurt someone
• Experience emotional empathy but struggle to act on it in the moment
Weaponizing the idea that “narcissists can’t love or care” invalidates not just the disorder—it invalidates the person trying to heal.
4
“If you had real empathy, you wouldn’t have hurt me.”
❌ Myth #4: “If you had real empathy, you wouldn’t have hurt me.”
Reality: Empathy is not a behavior—it’s a capacity.
People with narcissistic traits may have empathy and still:
• Miss social cues due to self-focus or anxiety
• Devalue others under stress as a defense against shame
• Say or do harmful things without intending emotional impact
• Struggle to prioritize others’ emotions when their own needs feel threatened
This doesn’t excuse harm. But it does challenge the idea that harm = absence of empathy.
Empathy is like a muscle. For some people with narcissistic traits, it’s been underused—not amputated.
Reality: Empathy is not a behavior—it’s a capacity.
People with narcissistic traits may have empathy and still:
• Miss social cues due to self-focus or anxiety
• Devalue others under stress as a defense against shame
• Say or do harmful things without intending emotional impact
• Struggle to prioritize others’ emotions when their own needs feel threatened
This doesn’t excuse harm. But it does challenge the idea that harm = absence of empathy.
Empathy is like a muscle. For some people with narcissistic traits, it’s been underused—not amputated.
5
What Empathy Can Look Like in Recovery
For people in recovery from narcissistic traits, empathy can:
• Show up slowly and awkwardly
• Come with grief, guilt, or overwhelm
• Require conscious choice and practice
• Be stronger with certain people and weaker with others
• Be complicated by a fear of being “used,” controlled, or emotionally invaded
Practicing empathy might involve:
• Pausing before responding to emotionally charged situations
• Checking in with others about their emotional experiences
• Noticing when you’ve gone into self-protective mode
• Letting go of the need to be “right” in order to connect
Empathy is not all-or-nothing. It’s a skillset, and for many with narcissistic traits, it becomes more accessible—and less overwhelming—over time with healing.
You Are Not a Monster for Struggling with Empathy
Empathy is not a fixed trait. It’s not a test you pass or fail. And it’s not a moral verdict.
If you’ve been told you “lack empathy,” you may have taken that to mean:
• “I’m unlovable.”
• “I’m not capable of real connection.”
• “I’m dangerous and shouldn’t exist.”
None of those things are true.
You may have defenses. You may have distortions. You may have a long road ahead. But you are still human. And your empathy—when you’re ready to reclaim it—will be part of your healing, not your shame.
• Show up slowly and awkwardly
• Come with grief, guilt, or overwhelm
• Require conscious choice and practice
• Be stronger with certain people and weaker with others
• Be complicated by a fear of being “used,” controlled, or emotionally invaded
Practicing empathy might involve:
• Pausing before responding to emotionally charged situations
• Checking in with others about their emotional experiences
• Noticing when you’ve gone into self-protective mode
• Letting go of the need to be “right” in order to connect
Empathy is not all-or-nothing. It’s a skillset, and for many with narcissistic traits, it becomes more accessible—and less overwhelming—over time with healing.
You Are Not a Monster for Struggling with Empathy
Empathy is not a fixed trait. It’s not a test you pass or fail. And it’s not a moral verdict.
If you’ve been told you “lack empathy,” you may have taken that to mean:
• “I’m unlovable.”
• “I’m not capable of real connection.”
• “I’m dangerous and shouldn’t exist.”
None of those things are true.
You may have defenses. You may have distortions. You may have a long road ahead. But you are still human. And your empathy—when you’re ready to reclaim it—will be part of your healing, not your shame.
